The Greatest Thing Mom Taught Me

I clearly remember this one night. I was confined at a hospital, It was just me and my mom in the room. I was the patient. I was feeling really tired, hopeless and just want to give up. Every time I would wake up, she would too, no matter what the time was… She was always watching me and I remember the worried look she would always give me.

I remember every time I would wake up those nights, I would always utter “Ayoko na… please…” (“I can’t do this anymore.. Please…”). I remember continuously thinking and saying selfish things to her that I couldn’t even bear writing those now. I am only imagining and realizing now how hurtful it must have been to my mom, to my family and to those who loves me to hear those ‘things’ from me and watch me fall apart and give up…

That one night, I will never forget. That one night when I got probably the greatest thing my mom ever taught me in my 27 years of existence.

She was at my bedside, caressing my hair and she was crying as she said: “Have faith anak. It doesn’t matter if kay Jesus Christ yan or kung saan or sino… Keep faith. Magtiwala ka sa mas nakakataas satin… Tao lang tayo. Kung wala tayong pagkakapitan at panghahawakan, walang mangyayare sa buhay natin… Di natin kaya ito nang tayo tayo lang or mag-isa lang…”  (“Have faith my child. It doesn’t matter if it’s from Jesus Christ or whoever… Keep faith. Believe in a higher power than us… We’re only humans. if we don’t hold on to something greater than us, we can’t do anything with our lives… We can’t do this by ourselves. We can’t do this alone.”)

Sometimes I’m still very amazed every time I would think of this moment. I cannot even explain how much this impacted and change my life. Maybe she knew how complicated I think my life is and that she gave me the simplest answer anyone can handle.

My mom is my greatest reminder to pray, believe in the good and keep faith. She would not even imply the religion I grew up into or any religion at all. Just the plain simple faith and to just believe everything will be alright no matter what and where the circumstances I am right now. It may not have been that exact night, but my mom helped me and allowed me to find myself and most importantly get through that hard times. I will always love my mom for that.

The Bad, The Good… The Then, Now and Soon to be

Growing up as a t1d, I wasnt educated enough. It was so easy for me to put off my health before anything else, i thought that as long as I can function enough, its enough. But not until i realized “hanggang dito ka lang” that i’m no longer moving forward, to where I really wanna be. It’s sad how I let my illness defined me… (and honestly its the first time I really get to understand that saying.)

I’ve long convinced It didn’t control me, I’ve long thought I was living anyway… but not until I’ve really decided to focus and get my sugar in good control (as much as I can, It’s not perfect) and saw a very different me. Running in bad sugar was like seeing a different person, or should I say the bad side of me. I was always quiet, literally and figuratively, I was always angry and irritated, moody, kill-joy type (and I’m mostly am with my family), I was always tired, just not enough energy for more. I was lazy… And I was really pessimistic. I’m now hating how I used to think. I was really depressed. And there are alot of moments of giving up or just waiting to be over.

It’s been hard for me to turn things around, and sometimes it’s still a struggle… half my life I was stuck to a bad health habit. And sometimes I see myself falling off to those bad habits because it was “comforting”. But as I see how I am when I get my sugar in good control, I like myself more. I like how cheerful and random I can get. I like doing things for my family no matter how small. I like making people happy even in simplest ways… I’m more hopeful. but most of all, I’m happy seeing people happy because I’m feeling good and happy… And these are enough reminders that I should put my health first. Another reasons are it excites me to find out more about myself and that I cannot wait to do more…. more of what I like. More travels, more love, more happiness, more… money? lol… probably more sappy sweet happy thoughts.. yes thats one of the perks of being healthy. uh oh, watch out 😛

At this point, I still have a long way to go, still alot of bad habits to break, still alot of good health practices to make, still alot of reminders to remember, some “snap out of it” moments… Its not gonna be easy… But hey, I’m on the right path and I plan to never lose sight of it again.

Status: Sappy

Ever have those moments where you want to post “what’s on your mind”, you kept typing but you just can’t seem to express the right words.

For me, there are two reasons: 1) fear of judgement, misunderstanding and nosy people. 2) just really cannot find the right words.

How am I feeling today? What am I thinking?

I had a rough heart break a few days back. It’s been awhile to feel something this hurtful again. Those years you try to dodge something and when you decided to take risk, face it head on, it just went crashing over a bridge and sinking deep down the sea… waiting to just fully fades out of the darkness.

You ask yourself, what is wrong with people? Why can’t people just mean what they really say. And if you’re not sure, why say it anyway and make someone believe it…? Why does it have to be words that will make your heart throbs? Words that makes you feel scared but excited? Why did I even believe… It’s not wrong to believe… It’s not wrong to trust. But it hurts when those are broken… Especially with someone you were almost sure they wont break them… No physical harm can ever compare how painful betrayal is. No matter how big or small, betrayal is painful beyond compare to anything. I may die with physical pain… but getting your heart broken with betrayal is much worse. OK so that maybe too exaggerating.

Why does it have to be him? I thought I was careful… I thought I know for sure… He convinced me about alot of “assuring” things. “you’re the only one”… “i won’t leave”… “you are more than i deserve”… “you are more than i can ask for”… I thought I know for sure… What did I miss?

The questions that i may never know and may not want to know the answers to… and maybe i do not have to. Because “who cares” right? “Who cares, he is not worth it. He doesn’t deserve you” Thats what people have been saying. And yes, I know they are right… Still hurts.

What’s on my mind… I know it lacks composure. I am not even gonna bother trying to make it better… ‘coz this is how it is… a heart-broken-mess.

P.S.

I will move on.

Staircase

My life is a mess. I went through some very tough times in my past when I finally reached a point of giving up. For months, I lived like I was already dead. I hid from everyone and wished I didn’t exist at all. But because I knew I have no courage of killing myself, I knew there’s no point…

I thought of my family. They love me soo much and I am hurting them every time they see me hurt and weak. I thought of my family, I love them and sometimes my twisted mind would say it’s better for them If I’m gone; No more me to worry about. I feel like I’m taking away a big burden if I’m gone. I have long wished and prayed to just take my life away.

But I cannot just vanish…

I woke up a bit, and finally agreed I need help. A professional one. I am seeing a psychiatrist and she gave my some pills to help. They are expensive as hell which worries me even more, but they worked great. I can see my family lighting up a bit as I do too. I started moving, just small things. I help around the house, I do a bit of errands and some random bursts of randomness. I was singing mindlessly. I remember my mom telling me “I’m happy to hear you sing again”.

The pills worked but the fear of living and failures still scares me. And I still hid this from everyone except from my doctor. And whatever she suggests, I try. I thought I’m ok most of the time. I thought I’m happy again. But when you realize how much time had passed and you look back. It felt like I haven’t moved at all and saying I’m happy is a lie.

I cannot face reality like I used and wanted to…

I do what I can most of the time. Every task at hand available. But doing these does not take me to my goals. Does not take me to who I really want to be. Who do I really want to be even? I asked myself over and over. What was I good at again? I forgot. And am I still good at them? What were my dreams? What do I really want in my future? Most of the time, sure I do what I can, but it also felt like I’m still letting the days passed by. Dragging myself day by day.

I need motivation. I knew that. I know that even before I got in this sh*t hole. I often wonder how people do it. Sometimes I am very envious of people getting motivated by money… coz that’s definitely better than having none or difficulty finding motivation at all. I tried, possibly everything…but I’m as hard as a rock to break out from this lethargic state.

I just needed to wake up…

Faith is bringing me back. For so long I lost it because I don’t want to get disappointed again; hoping and then failing. I got tired of failing over and over that I stopped hoping and lost Faith. But then I started believing again. Coz I know very well and even right from the start It is something I need even if I deny it over and over. Even if I tried so hard convincing myself I could go on without it. But no, I needed to stop lying to myself. I need my faith back. As I start believing, lights starts showing again. My Path starts to clear up even if its just little by little.

This road that I’ve been taking sometimes surprise me… Life is full of surprises after all. But sometimes it seems surreal. Being motivated for me was really hard, I tried to do it for myself, for my God, for my family. But it always seemed not enough. I always hate that about myself. But I know that once I finally find it I won’t allow myself to easily let go.

I met a person. And It’s a blessing

Someone unexpected brought fire back in my heart. I’ve known him for a while and even liked him. He doesn’t know that then. He inspires me even before meeting him personally. And to be honest, because of his popularity, not once would I think that he would notice me or even be interested in me. It’s just funny because it’s not everyday that this thing happen in real life. To me at least.

He inspires me yes, but not like since we really started talking. Real talk stuff. I hear him talk about his future, what he wants and how he wants it. That alone makes my heart thump. I am dreaming again. Suddenly I knew who I wanted to be. Suddenly I want to be that person. Suddenly I want to work really hard. Suddenly I want to live again. I want to be finally be the best version of myself. Doing it for me… and, I’m not going to lie, but I am also doing it partly for him.

P.S.

MOTIVATION. A lot of people have different views and opinions. But I know now after trying a lot that It does not work in one single way. Motivation works for different people. At least I believe so. It’s different for each and everyone just like how faith works.. The only thing to do is keep an open mind and find what works for you. And see how high it will lead you.

Day 7: Ugh… books?

“Writing Challenge Day 7: Do you read? What are your favorite books?”

What if I don’t? 😐

I’m not very fond with Reading. I’m not like those folks who reads whatever chance they get. There was a point that I really really tried to force myself to like reading books but… yeah its just not me.

Way back on my early 20s though there is this book series that I got really into. I finished them in a month or less. I believe everyone is familiar with it. I may be wrong but probably every kid, teen, young adult, adult and maybe elders too (?) have read or even just heard this series. That’s how amazing I believe this book series is.

Yep. The Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling.

Really, who doesn’t like Harry Potter? Who doesn’t know Harry Potter? Who didn’t dream at one point of being witches or wizards and go to a secret school full of wonders and adventures? Ooh and would not want to try one of those Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans? Maybe not. The feast description though are always awesome and makes me hungry every time. And flying on a broomstick? Nah, I would choose Apparition.

Who wasn’t blown away by how dynamic and dense and just ‘full’ this book is? Who even wished it goes on and didn’t end on book 7? Who didn’t want more?

If you know how a comfort food feels like to you, this may probably be my comfort book. It just takes you away and gives you an unexplainable comfort. I would read the series over and over and never get tired or bored of it.

So what made this book addicting for me? For one it is complex but easy to read. A lot maybe happening but I never felt lost or overwhelmed even for a moment. The complexity of the story and world was very well written. To write about a whole different world and be very good at it is such an admiration. To be honest, i can’t express it enough how much I really enjoyed this book series. And sometimes “Wow… just wow” or being speechless about it tells us more how amazing it is.

I am never easily hooked on Novels and such but Harry Potter sure changed that even if its only for a month. A month of being a book Nerd. 😉 For a light (to none) book reader like me and you haven’t heard of Harry Potter yet,  you should go to your library or book store and grab a copy and find out how being a book nerd can fulfilling. And who knows, these books maybe the trigger for you to find out how much you love reading 🙂

Cheers! Happy Reading ❤

P.S.

The urge to read Harry Potter again is real