My life is a mess. I went through some very tough times in my past when I finally reached a point of giving up. For months, I lived like I was already dead. I hid from everyone and wished I didn’t exist at all. But because I knew I have no courage of killing myself, I knew there’s no point…
I thought of my family. They love me soo much and I am hurting them every time they see me hurt and weak. I thought of my family, I love them and sometimes my twisted mind would say it’s better for them If I’m gone; No more me to worry about. I feel like I’m taking away a big burden if I’m gone. I have long wished and prayed to just take my life away.
But I cannot just vanish…
I woke up a bit, and finally agreed I need help. A professional one. I am seeing a psychiatrist and she gave my some pills to help. They are expensive as hell which worries me even more, but they worked great. I can see my family lighting up a bit as I do too. I started moving, just small things. I help around the house, I do a bit of errands and some random bursts of randomness. I was singing mindlessly. I remember my mom telling me “I’m happy to hear you sing again”.
The pills worked but the fear of living and failures still scares me. And I still hid this from everyone except from my doctor. And whatever she suggests, I try. I thought I’m ok most of the time. I thought I’m happy again. But when you realize how much time had passed and you look back. It felt like I haven’t moved at all and saying I’m happy is a lie.
I cannot face reality like I used and wanted to…
I do what I can most of the time. Every task at hand available. But doing these does not take me to my goals. Does not take me to who I really want to be. Who do I really want to be even? I asked myself over and over. What was I good at again? I forgot. And am I still good at them? What were my dreams? What do I really want in my future? Most of the time, sure I do what I can, but it also felt like I’m still letting the days passed by. Dragging myself day by day.
I need motivation. I knew that. I know that even before I got in this sh*t hole. I often wonder how people do it. Sometimes I am very envious of people getting motivated by money… coz that’s definitely better than having none or difficulty finding motivation at all. I tried, possibly everything…but I’m as hard as a rock to break out from this lethargic state.
I just needed to wake up…
Faith is bringing me back. For so long I lost it because I don’t want to get disappointed again; hoping and then failing. I got tired of failing over and over that I stopped hoping and lost Faith. But then I started believing again. Coz I know very well and even right from the start It is something I need even if I deny it over and over. Even if I tried so hard convincing myself I could go on without it. But no, I needed to stop lying to myself. I need my faith back. As I start believing, lights starts showing again. My Path starts to clear up even if its just little by little.
This road that I’ve been taking sometimes surprise me… Life is full of surprises after all. But sometimes it seems surreal. Being motivated for me was really hard, I tried to do it for myself, for my God, for my family. But it always seemed not enough. I always hate that about myself. But I know that once I finally find it I won’t allow myself to easily let go.
I met a person. And It’s a blessing
Someone unexpected brought fire back in my heart. I’ve known him for a while and even liked him. He doesn’t know that then. He inspires me even before meeting him personally. And to be honest, because of his popularity, not once would I think that he would notice me or even be interested in me. It’s just funny because it’s not everyday that this thing happen in real life. To me at least.
He inspires me yes, but not like since we really started talking. Real talk stuff. I hear him talk about his future, what he wants and how he wants it. That alone makes my heart thump. I am dreaming again. Suddenly I knew who I wanted to be. Suddenly I want to be that person. Suddenly I want to work really hard. Suddenly I want to live again. I want to be finally be the best version of myself. Doing it for me… and, I’m not going to lie, but I am also doing it partly for him.
MOTIVATION. A lot of people have different views and opinions. But I know now after trying a lot that It does not work in one single way. Motivation works for different people. At least I believe so. It’s different for each and everyone just like how faith works.. The only thing to do is keep an open mind and find what works for you. And see how high it will lead you.